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The Red Eyes and Half Moons

This is what I got on the blog to write last time I posted. It went a different way for some crazy reason.

Anyway, Insomnia!!!

It’s no joke. Something I have suffered from for decades has gotten worse in the last few months because of my dark times. When I’m in dark times, I like to read angsty girl books. I picked up Sylvia Plath’s poetry book Crossing the Water from my shelf today and started at the beginning. I stopped reading when I hit her poem Insomniac on page 21. Here’s the part I related to the most:

He is immune to pills: red, purple, blue–

How they lit the tedium of the protracted evening!

Those sugary planets whose influence won for him

A life baptized in no-life for a while,

And the sweet, drugged waking of a forgetful baby.

Change he to she and that’s me. From no–life through to forgetful baby is a happy, happy time for me. I’m still trying to get to that light.

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Seeking the Light

So many things have happened to me over the last half a year, I don’t know where to begin.

I had been an oracle card reader for at least five years. I was reading for my friends, at events and psychic fairs. I thought I had this great gift from God that was helping people. While at a psychic fair two-ish years ago, I took a class called, Getting What You Want. The teacher said she manifests anything she wants using a technique she laid out in a little book she was selling. I purchased that little book and put it on my bedside table. It sat there for a year. I would look at it now and then thinking I should get on it. Finally I did at the beginning of 2018. I read the whole thing and tried the exercises in getting what you want. It was pretty typical Law of Attraction stuff.

Anyway, I got want I wanted. It was like magic–until it wasn’t!! Everything I received that I worked to get using that book practically exploded in my face.

I got the dream choreography job that I specifically asked for. I couldn’t believe it!! How did it happen so fast?? I worked hard at it. It was going great. The director loved my stuff. I kept that job for 5 months and then it went downhill fast. The director tore apart my dance replacing it with cheesy YouTube clips that did not match the music (or each other). I watched my beautiful routine become ruined little by little until it was completely gone. All musicality and originality had been removed and replaced with random YouTube clips she had found. I told her not to put my name on the routine. It had none of my stuff left in it and all my choreography is original. I don’t steal from YouTube. That’s pretty much when I was done. She didn’t fire me, she ghosted me. Backbone!! Something to think about Director!!

Another thing that happened was that the person who I thought cared about me more than anyone in this world, turned out to not care at all. A very abrupt change in our relationship. Doing anything to help me changed to lying to me (including trying to gaslight me), lying about me, tricking me, and ghosting me. Walking by me like I was a stranger and then complaining that I didn’t try to talk to him while he was doing that. Walking by me like I’m a stranger and then complaining that my friends didn’t say, “we don’t care if you treat Jez like dirt, hug me”. Yes, he turned into Kanye–firmly believing that all people should love and hug him no matter what kind of horrible treatment he dishes out. And the lies. There were so many. This is a person I’ve known for years. And it bares mentioning again, I thought he cared about me more than anyone. I didn’t think he would hurt me even once so I never expected the avalanche of narcissism.

These are two examples of the darkness that fell upon my 2018. Right after the Get What You Want workbook exercises. I thought things seemed especially dark including how I felt all the time so I did a little research on the law of attraction.

I started with a video on YouTube by Doreen Virtue that explained that the law of attraction not a good path to go down. That lead me to her latest book which explains in detail that anything you try to get that way–you will get!! AND THEN IT WILL BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE!!!

She is exactly right. It will. It did for me.

I did more research and found that the whole new age path was not for me. I gave two examples of some bad things that came my way but so many other dark things were happening too. I did the research because I had gone in blindly reading cards for people, trying the law of attraction etc, but I never really studied it. So I read 3 books about where the messages and answers come from. They all say it doesn’t come from good places. It’s basically all a ouija board. Everyone always says don’t mess with a ouija board because it’s dark. Well, according to my research it’s all dark. All from the same place no matter what tools or books you are using.

This is my experience. No judgement or preaching here. I’m still looking for light at the end of the tunnel myself so I’m not going to tell anyone else how to live their life. However, if you are interested in looking into it, the books I read are:

The Second Coming of the New Age: The Hidden Dangers of Alternative Spirituality in Contemporary America and Its Churches by Steven Bancarz and Josh Peck

The Joy of Jesus by Doreen Virtue

The Light that was Dark by Warren B. Smith

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