What If

What If is a movie I watch once in awhile when I feel like pining for Toronto. I originally watched it because I’m a huge Daniel Radcliffe fan. I love the cast, the plot not as much, but I love the setting more than anything. They shot in the parks I miss, the shops I miss, the restaurants I miss, and in many shots the CN tower is in the background. I watch and I pine.

I had a plan to get out of here and back to Toronto. The plan was kind of a slow-cooking plan but it was working. Until today when my plan took a giant nosedive. I have to make a new slow-cooking plan now but in the meantime I’m praying for a miracle.

Until my miracle comes, I pine.


The Place You Don’t Want to Be

After reading of two beloved famous people killing themselves one day apart, I see the social media storm of posters hurrying to give their opinions and preach their ideas of what you should do to avoid such a fate. I have feelings about this that I’d like to share.

The thing that jumped out at me and made me want speak about this was a comment stating that Anthony Bourdain was selfish for committing suicide. That shocked me. First off, did this poster know Mr. Bourdain?? His life?? His pain?? Before making such a judgement on social media for all to see??

Second, anyone who thinks that suicide is selfish has never visited that low place. The place that is so hopeless you can’t get past it to consider others. A place so dark that you believe anyone would be better off with you gone anyway. In that place no one cares about you. Not even those who always did and always do.

I don’t wish the dark place on anyone. Not anyone. But if you have an opinion on how wrongly a person behaved while in that place, then you have not been there. And I hope you never ever visit. Be happy that you don’t know but also act like you don’t know. Post like you don’t know. That’s my bossy advice.

Much peace to everyone. Let’s be kind to one another. That’s my number one goal starting now. More kindness.


On Game of Thrones

Now that I have your attention, I have never watched Game of Thrones– for a very good reason. More on that in my next post.

So I see memes, shirts, and posts all that say Winter is Coming. I am currently residing in NE Ohio so I laugh, cry, or roll my eyes when I see that meme, shirt, post. Winter is never coming here. Winter is here. It’s always here. When winter is over, everyone smiles, says “Let’s go out for a drink in the sun,” and while you are drinking in the sun, taking a sigh of relief, and wearing your flip flops for the first time all year– winter comes back!! Yes. In NE Ohio there is no time between winter and winter to say winter is coming. It comes, stays, stays, goes (while there is some road construction blocking the highways), and then it comes again.

So how do you beat the weather blahs here?? I don’t do a good job of it so if you are looking for actual advice, stop reading now and prepare your sundress or shorts for summer. No need to try them on to see if they still fit because the weather won’t change long enough to actually wear them. #BrightSpot.

First thing I do to beat weather blahs: Eat!! Yeah, this is terrible solution and a textbook side effect of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). It doesn’t make you feel better; it makes you feel fatter which in turn makes you feel worse. Resist!!

Another beat the blahs thing I do: Buy hats. They are cute, and I have a face that can pull off most hats but is this a good plan?? The answer is both yes and no. If you have 20 you don’t need more. And you don’t want the added stress of an impulse buy. Resist. If you have one or two and they are crappy and old, maybe a snazzy new one will do the trick and brighten that gray day. It’s worth a try.

A third thing: I color my hair crazy reds. And guess what?? It makes me feel better. Looking in the mirror and seeing a crazy shade is quite uplifting!! And with reds there is a new shade every time you wash your hair so Christmas is all around. And there’s the added bonus of the red waterfall that occurs every time I wash my hair. Red waterfall–what fun!! My showers look like a bloodbath!! “There was no murder officer, I just washed my hair.”

And finally, a forth thing: Read books. This is in all seriousness. With a book on the weekend, you can hibernate and still feel like you are doing something productive. Binge watching Love makes you feel like you did nothing but sit like a slug all weekend. Even though you’ll do the same thing with a book, your becoming educated. Loophole that book and stay in the warm house. That’s what I’m doing tonight.

Here’s some lightening round suggestions:

-Sleep all day, and then when you finally get up say, ” I can’t believe I slept all day. I won’t do that tomorrow.” Then do it tomorrow. It’s ok if you pretend it’s spontaneous.

-Watch your favorite movie. If it’s your favorite then it bypasses the slug rule. And you can change your favorite every day. Or have a list of the top 100 favorites. #Loopholes

-Go out in the cold and pretend it’s warm. (This one does not work at all.)

-Say stuff like, “I love snow.” And “Anything over 32 degrees depresses me.” Lie to yourself and those around you.

-Blog about bad weather and disguise it so people think it’s about Game of Thrones. I’m also doing that tonight.


Why I Wont Post ‘Me Too’

I understand what women are trying to do but thinking about putting ‘Me Too’ in my status and just being one of the many slashes collected makes it feel normal to me.  Like the same thing happens to everyone when each story is extremely different.  I agree it happens more than people think.  I agree change is needed and now is the time.  I’ve been more vocal about this on Twitter.  But being part of the collection of facebooking victims saying ‘yeah, they got me’ triggered me.  That’s why I’m writing here instead.

Each time it happened to me is a vivid memory.  (Yes, it happened more than once). And I will share most of my stories with people I know who ask me.  Stories that I think will help people anyway.  I would love to help make this stop happening.  And I think we have begun.  Assaulters and harassers are going to think about HW each time they consider trapping a women in an office.  Perhaps they will realize that more women tell now that there is a movement and they might stop in their tracks.  Yes, I do think we are on our way.

And I honor every women who posts ‘Me Too.’  They are brave and they are doing what they need to do.  Every little bit helps.  This is just how I needed to do it.  It’s a very personal thing for each of us.


The Waiting is the Hardest Part

Now that the Harvey Weinstein thing has come out right on the heels of the James Woods thing I wrote about in my last post, my head has been spinning a little too much.  I follow Rose McGowen and Amber Tamblyn on Twitter and I see guys making comments and shaming women for waiting to come forward.  I’m surprised that people don’t understand why women stay silent or delay saying anything for years or decades.  The reason is so simple.

Women get attacked or harassed and immediately go into shock.  Is this really happening to me right now??  This is not what I thought it was??  Then when they get out of the situation they question themselves first.  Why did I go to this place??  Why did I wear this??  Did I smile when I shouldn’t have??  These things all go through her mind even if she knows that these are not reasons or consent for attack.  Then the shame and worry.  I hope no one finds out.  If I tell anyone, no one will believe me.  They’ll call me a whore.  Our mutual friends/associates will take his side because they won’t want to believe this about him.  I know they will take his side.  I KNOW it.  The friends/associates that believe me will have a rift with the ones that believe him.  There will be a rift.  I don’t want to cause a rift.  I must avoid the rift.  I need to remain silent.  No good will come if I don’t remain silent.

All is buried and life goes on fine until she is triggered. Someone else is attacked or a girl comes forward and is called a lair, or a girl comes forward and is shamed for waiting to come forward.

Once someone comes forward, the next round of attacks begin. Different ways to attack and shame the victim who did nothing to bring on or deserve the attack from the perp, the attacks from the perp supporters and, of course, the ones from herself.  And there are her own friends who are mad that they weren’t told immediately and that she didn’t do what they think she should have done in that situation that they were not in. And, of course, all the others who question why she waited to come forward. There is absolutely no way to win.  That’s why they stay silent.  That’s why we stay silent. Staying silent is simple. Speaking up is this complicated mess I just tried to explain.


Book Two

I have a new pick for the Jez book club.  I just finished Dark Sparkler by Amber Tamblyn.  Now I never knew Ms. Tamblyn was a writer at all.  I knew her from Two and a Half Men and as the wife of David Cross (who I think is so funny).  I came across her books of poetry after I saw a news report saying she came forward with the fact that James Woods tried to get her to go to Las Vegas with him when she was a minor.  This was a long time ago.  She came out now because Mr. Woods was making a negative comment about a movie Armie Hammer has coming out where someone is in a relationship with a minor.  I don’t know much about this movie, it wasn’t what drew my attention.

What drew my attention was the instant bravery of Amber Tamblyn to be all, wait a minute–you are a hypocrite and a dude who’s guilty of this yourself.  She had to know there would be backlash, denying and lying, James Woods devotees who would not believe her, others who question her part in it (yes, the part of an innocent minor minding her own business in a restaurant). We all know how these things go nearly 100% of the time.  She came forward anyway.  I’m in awe because I’m not that brave.

Anyway, I read this and then started following her on twitter.  I then got to read her follow up op-ed in The NY Times and her open letter to James Woods after he, of course, denied it.  (Both are retweeted onto my twitter wall if you want to read them @JezFever). Anyway, I was moved by both these writings and then found out she has books.

So Dark Sparkler is a poetry book with poems dedicated to famous women who died too young.  There are many:  Jean Harlow, Brittany Murphy, Sharon Tate, Rebecca Shaeffer, and Dana Plato to name a few.  Some I didn’t know were dead, like the girl who played the lead in Savannah Smiles.  Some I didn’t know their stories, like Heather O’Rourke (Poltergeist) who had a wrong diagnoses and died at twelve.  My favorites were Peg Entwhistle and Frances Farmer.

Peg Entwhistle was an actress who died at 24.  She was unhappy about how her acting career was going so she climbed up to the Hollywoodland sign and hung herself off the H.  Fascinating!!  Who decides they are so despondent that they need end their life and then takes the time to do something so poetic as to hang themselves off of the Hollywood sign??  No one will ever know what went through her young mind that day but seriously, she is as famous as she wanted to be for it but not around to enjoy it.

Frances Farmer was an actress who spent a majority of her life in and out hospitals because of various psychiatric problems.  Tamblyn writes of her:

“Frances opened her mouth to answer

A bug crawled out, fell to the ground

And burrowed right back into a hole in her foot.”

I felt like I, myself had some sort of mental issues when I was reading about someone with mental issues.  I liked that.  I don’t know why.  This was my favorite poem in the book.

Anyway, I’m not going to pretend I knew every name when going though the poems of this book.  I had my computer with me so I could google names I didn’t know and google the stories of those I did.  It took me back to my college days when I was getting my English degree.  A novel was never just a novel back then.  And this is not just a book of poems.  It’s a collection of tragedy.  And I still don’t know if it made me depressed or ready to change my life.  Either way it’s totally worth a read.


The Warped Wall

So a few days back I went to downtown Cleveland to watch a taping of American Ninja Warrior.  I was very excited to go as I am a huge fan of that show.  (Fun fact:  the qualifying round and the finals round are taped ONE DAY apart.  The announcers say “it’s been six weeks since the qualifying round in Cleveland”.  Which is–what’s the word for it??  Oh yeah, a LIE.  Why exactly??  They could just say we are back in Cleveland.  Which they are.  One day later.  Unnecessary lie.  In my opinion.)

Anyway, I got a great spot in the audience.  I was standing next to The Warped Wall.  I could see nearly every obstacle and then the wall close up.  I was also standing in front of the “green room” where the ninjas were hanging out.  Some of the most famous ninjas were standing right behind me.  And running up the wall in front of me.  I also had a 20 minute conversation with one of the ninjas who was giving me the scoop!!  So awesome!!

So to the point.  It made me want muscles.  I’ve never had muscles before.  I’m not a spring chicken really and I’ve been dancing with this soft body for 20 years but I want to see what it’s like to have muscles.  So this is me, printing my goal for the purpose of using the possible humiliation of failure as my driving force.  Taunt me about my no muscles, blog.  Drive me!!  I want a six pack and arm muscles large enough that crazy women dancers think twice before tossing their abuse my way.

I’ll just add —if you get a chance, go to a taping of ANW.  It’s a blast!!