Early Winter

Early Winter by Jezebel Ava Shuvani

I’m going to use 

this violent shove into winter

 to my advantage

Hibernation is a friend 

to creative projects

Snow is a partner

 to my inner artist

Sunny warm days

are for suckers

 and lazy people

Ice age = happiness

There is nothing wrong

 in this country

Everyone is calm 

and on the same page

 I’m convinced of all these things

 and not screaming inside at all

 Save me Justin Trudeau!!


Blemishing the Blemished

Two unanswerable questions came into my mind when hearing the news story of this statue being vandalized:  1.  Why of all things, would they choose to make a statue out of this??  I didn’t know it existed until this story.  I’ve never liked the photo.  It never made me think of the end of WWII celebration. I’ve always thought it was a drive by even when I was an innocent, untouched kid. Look at her arm. She is clearly not in it.

I would never vandalize it, however, which leads me to unanswerable question 2.  What is the story of the person who did??  I resist any judgement without knowing.  If they had something happen to them and it was swept under the rug because everyone wanted to believe something different, maybe their anger got the best of them.  Maybe instead of screaming or digging their fingernails into their palms, they did this.  We just don’t know.  Best case–they are just a jerk vandal. But is that the likely story??


The Red Eyes and Half Moons

This is what I got on the blog to write last time I posted. It went a different way for some crazy reason.

Anyway, Insomnia!!!

It’s no joke. Something I have suffered from for decades has gotten worse in the last few months because of my dark times. When I’m in dark times, I like to read angsty girl books. I picked up Sylvia Plath’s poetry book Crossing the Water from my shelf today and started at the beginning. I stopped reading when I hit her poem Insomniac on page 21. Here’s the part I related to the most:

He is immune to pills: red, purple, blue–

How they lit the tedium of the protracted evening!

Those sugary planets whose influence won for him

A life baptized in no-life for a while,

And the sweet, drugged waking of a forgetful baby.

Change he to she and that’s me. From no–life through to forgetful baby is a happy, happy time for me. I’m still trying to get to that light.


Seeking the Light

So many things have happened to me over the last half a year, I don’t know where to begin.

I had been an oracle card reader for at least five years. I was reading for my friends, at events and psychic fairs. I thought I had this great gift from God that was helping people.

While at a psychic fair two-ish years ago, I took a class called, Getting What You Want. The teacher said she manifests anything she wants using a technique she laid out in a little book she was selling. I purchased that little book and put it on my bedside table. It sat there for a year. I would look at it now and then thinking I should get on it. Finally I did at the beginning of 2018. I read the whole thing and tried the exercises in getting what you want. It was pretty typical Law of Attraction stuff.

Anyway, I got want I wanted. It was like magic–until it wasn’t!! Everything I received that I worked to get using that book practically exploded in my face.

I got the dream film choreography job that I specifically asked for. I couldn’t believe it!! How did it happen so fast?? I was thrilled!! I worked hard at it. It was going great. The director loved my stuff. I kept that job for 5 months and then it went downhill fast. The director (who had zero dance or choreography experience) tore apart my dance replacing it with cheesy YouTube clips that did not match the music (or each other). I watched my beautiful routine become ruined little by little until it was completely gone. All musicality and originality had been removed and replaced with random YouTube clips she had found. I told her not to put my name on the routine. It had none of my stuff left in it and all MY choreography is original. I don’t steal from YouTube. That’s pretty much when I was done. She didn’t fire me, she ghosted me. Backbone!! Something to think about Director!!

Another thing that happened was that the person who I thought cared about me more than anyone in this world, turned out to not care at all. A very abrupt change in our relationship. Doing anything to help me changed to lying to me (including trying to gaslight me), lying about me, tricking me, and ghosting me. Walking by me like I was a stranger and then complaining that I didn’t try to talk to him while he was doing that. Walking by me like I’m a stranger and then complaining that my friends didn’t say, “we don’t care if you treat Jez like dirt, hug me”. Yes, he turned into Kanye–firmly believing that all people should love and hug him no matter what kind of horrible treatment he dishes out. And the lies. There were so many. This is a person I’ve known for years. And it bares mentioning again, I thought he cared about me more than anyone. I didn’t think he would hurt me even once so I never expected the avalanche of narcissism.

These are two examples of the darkness that fell upon my 2018. Right after the Get What You Want workbook exercises. I thought things seemed especially dark including how I felt all the time so I did a little research on the law of attraction.

I started with a video on YouTube by Doreen Virtue that explained that the law of attraction not a good path to go down. That lead me to her latest book which explains in detail that anything you try to get that way–you will get!! AND THEN IT WILL BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE!!!

She is exactly right. It will. It did for me.

I did more research and found that the whole new age path was not for me. I gave two examples of some bad things that came my way but so many other dark things were happening too. I did the research because I had gone in blindly reading cards for people, trying the law of attraction etc, but I never really studied it. So I read 3 books about where the messages and answers come from. They all say it doesn’t come from good places. It’s basically all a ouija board. Everyone always says don’t mess with a ouija board because it’s dark. Well, according to my research it’s all dark. All from the same place no matter what tools or books you are using.

This is my experience. No judgement or preaching here. I’m still looking for light at the end of the tunnel myself so I’m not going to tell anyone else how to live their life. However, if you are interested in looking into it, the books I read are:

The Second Coming of the New Age: The Hidden Dangers of Alternative Spirituality in Contemporary America and Its Churches by Steven Bancarz and Josh Peck

The Joy of Jesus by Doreen Virtue

The Light that was Dark by Warren B. Smith


What If

What If is a movie I watch once in awhile when I feel like pining for Toronto. I originally watched it because I’m a huge Daniel Radcliffe fan. I love the cast, the plot not as much, but I love the setting more than anything. They shot in the parks I miss, the shops I miss, the restaurants I miss, and in many shots the CN tower is in the background. I watch and I pine.

I had a plan to get out of here and back to Toronto. The plan was kind of a slow-cooking plan but it was working. Until today when my plan took a giant nosedive. I have to make a new slow-cooking plan now but in the meantime I’m praying for a miracle.

Until my miracle comes, I pine.


The Place You Don’t Want to Be

After reading of two beloved famous people killing themselves one day apart, I see the social media storm of posters hurrying to give their opinions and preach their ideas of what you should do to avoid such a fate. I have feelings about this that I’d like to share.

The thing that jumped out at me and made me want speak about this was a comment stating that Anthony Bourdain was selfish for committing suicide. That shocked me. First off, did this poster know Mr. Bourdain?? His life?? His pain?? Before making such a judgement on social media for all to see??

Second, anyone who thinks that suicide is selfish has never visited that low place. The place that is so hopeless you can’t get past it to consider others. A place so dark that you believe anyone would be better off with you gone anyway. In that place no one cares about you. Not even those who always did and always do.

I don’t wish the dark place on anyone. Not anyone. But if you have an opinion on how wrongly a person behaved while in that place, then you have not been there. And I hope you never ever visit. Be happy that you don’t know but also act like you don’t know. Post like you don’t know. That’s my bossy advice.

Much peace to everyone. Let’s be kind to one another. That’s my number one goal starting now. More kindness.


On Game of Thrones

Now that I have your attention, I have never watched Game of Thrones– for a very good reason. More on that in my next post.

So I see memes, shirts, and posts all that say Winter is Coming. I am currently residing in NE Ohio so I laugh, cry, or roll my eyes when I see that meme, shirt, post. Winter is never coming here. Winter is here. It’s always here. When winter is over, everyone smiles, says “Let’s go out for a drink in the sun,” and while you are drinking in the sun, taking a sigh of relief, and wearing your flip flops for the first time all year– winter comes back!! Yes. In NE Ohio there is no time between winter and winter to say winter is coming. It comes, stays, stays, goes (while there is some road construction blocking the highways), and then it comes again.

So how do you beat the weather blahs here?? I don’t do a good job of it so if you are looking for actual advice, stop reading now and prepare your sundress or shorts for summer. No need to try them on to see if they still fit because the weather won’t change long enough to actually wear them. #BrightSpot.

First thing I do to beat weather blahs: Eat!! Yeah, this is terrible solution and a textbook side effect of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). It doesn’t make you feel better; it makes you feel fatter which in turn makes you feel worse. Resist!!

Another beat the blahs thing I do: Buy hats. They are cute, and I have a face that can pull off most hats but is this a good plan?? The answer is both yes and no. If you have 20 you don’t need more. And you don’t want the added stress of an impulse buy. Resist. If you have one or two and they are crappy and old, maybe a snazzy new one will do the trick and brighten that gray day. It’s worth a try.

A third thing: I color my hair crazy reds. And guess what?? It makes me feel better. Looking in the mirror and seeing a crazy shade is quite uplifting!! And with reds there is a new shade every time you wash your hair so Christmas is all around. And there’s the added bonus of the red waterfall that occurs every time I wash my hair. Red waterfall–what fun!! My showers look like a bloodbath!! “There was no murder officer, I just washed my hair.”

And finally, a forth thing: Read books. This is in all seriousness. With a book on the weekend, you can hibernate and still feel like you are doing something productive. Binge watching Love makes you feel like you did nothing but sit like a slug all weekend. Even though you’ll do the same thing with a book, your becoming educated. Loophole that book and stay in the warm house. That’s what I’m doing tonight.

Here’s some lightening round suggestions:

-Sleep all day, and then when you finally get up say, ” I can’t believe I slept all day. I won’t do that tomorrow.” Then do it tomorrow. It’s ok if you pretend it’s spontaneous.

-Watch your favorite movie. If it’s your favorite then it bypasses the slug rule. And you can change your favorite every day. Or have a list of the top 100 favorites. #Loopholes

-Go out in the cold and pretend it’s warm. (This one does not work at all.)

-Say stuff like, “I love snow.” And “Anything over 32 degrees depresses me.” Lie to yourself and those around you.

-Blog about bad weather and disguise it so people think it’s about Game of Thrones. I’m also doing that tonight.


Why I Wont Post ‘Me Too’

I understand what women are trying to do but thinking about putting ‘Me Too’ in my status and just being one of the many slashes collected makes it feel normal to me.  Like the same thing happens to everyone when each story is extremely different.  I agree it happens more than people think.  I agree change is needed and now is the time.  I’ve been more vocal about this on Twitter.  But being part of the collection of facebooking victims saying ‘yeah, they got me’ triggered me.  That’s why I’m writing here instead.

Each time it happened to me is a vivid memory.  (Yes, it happened more than once). And I will share most of my stories with people I know who ask me.  Stories that I think will help people anyway.  I would love to help make this stop happening.  And I think we have begun.  Assaulters and harassers are going to think about HW each time they consider trapping a women in an office.  Perhaps they will realize that more women tell now that there is a movement and they might stop in their tracks.  Yes, I do think we are on our way.

And I honor every women who posts ‘Me Too.’  They are brave and they are doing what they need to do.  Every little bit helps.  This is just how I needed to do it.  It’s a very personal thing for each of us.


The Waiting is the Hardest Part

Now that the Harvey Weinstein thing has come out right on the heels of the James Woods thing I wrote about in my last post, my head has been spinning a little too much.  I follow Rose McGowen and Amber Tamblyn on Twitter and I see guys making comments and shaming women for waiting to come forward.  I’m surprised that people don’t understand why women stay silent or delay saying anything for years or decades.  The reason is so simple.

Women get attacked or harassed and immediately go into shock.  Is this really happening to me right now??  This is not what I thought it was??  Then when they get out of the situation they question themselves first.  Why did I go to this place??  Why did I wear this??  Did I smile when I shouldn’t have??  These things all go through her mind even if she knows that these are not reasons or consent for attack.  Then the shame and worry.  I hope no one finds out.  If I tell anyone, no one will believe me.  They’ll call me a whore.  Our mutual friends/associates will take his side because they won’t want to believe this about him.  I know they will take his side.  I KNOW it.  The friends/associates that believe me will have a rift with the ones that believe him.  There will be a rift.  I don’t want to cause a rift.  I must avoid the rift.  I need to remain silent.  No good will come if I don’t remain silent.

All is buried and life goes on fine until she is triggered. Someone else is attacked or a girl comes forward and is called a lair, or a girl comes forward and is shamed for waiting to come forward.

Once someone comes forward, the next round of attacks begin. Different ways to attack and shame the victim who did nothing to bring on or deserve the attack from the perp, the attacks from the perp supporters and, of course, the ones from herself.  And there are her own friends who are mad that they weren’t told immediately and that she didn’t do what they think she should have done in that situation that they were not in. And, of course, all the others who question why she waited to come forward. There is absolutely no way to win.  That’s why they stay silent.  That’s why we stay silent. Staying silent is simple. Speaking up is this complicated mess I just tried to explain.


Book Two

I have a new pick for the Jez book club.  I just finished Dark Sparkler by Amber Tamblyn.  Now I never knew Ms. Tamblyn was a writer at all.  I knew her from Two and a Half Men and as the wife of David Cross (who I think is so funny).  I came across her books of poetry after I saw a news report saying she came forward with the fact that James Woods tried to get her to go to Las Vegas with him when she was a minor.  This was a long time ago.  She came out now because Mr. Woods was making a negative comment about a movie Armie Hammer has coming out where someone is in a relationship with a minor.  I don’t know much about this movie, it wasn’t what drew my attention.

What drew my attention was the instant bravery of Amber Tamblyn to be all, wait a minute–you are a hypocrite and a dude who’s guilty of this yourself.  She had to know there would be backlash, denying and lying, James Woods devotees who would not believe her, others who question her part in it (yes, the part of an innocent minor minding her own business in a restaurant). We all know how these things go nearly 100% of the time.  She came forward anyway.  I’m in awe because I’m not that brave.

Anyway, I read this and then started following her on twitter.  I then got to read her follow up op-ed in The NY Times and her open letter to James Woods after he, of course, denied it.  (Both are retweeted onto my twitter wall if you want to read them @JezFever). Anyway, I was moved by both these writings and then found out she has books.

So Dark Sparkler is a poetry book with poems dedicated to famous women who died too young.  There are many:  Jean Harlow, Brittany Murphy, Sharon Tate, Rebecca Shaeffer, and Dana Plato to name a few.  Some I didn’t know were dead, like the girl who played the lead in Savannah Smiles.  Some I didn’t know their stories, like Heather O’Rourke (Poltergeist) who had a wrong diagnoses and died at twelve.  My favorites were Peg Entwhistle and Frances Farmer.

Peg Entwhistle was an actress who died at 24.  She was unhappy about how her acting career was going so she climbed up to the Hollywoodland sign and hung herself off the H.  Fascinating!!  Who decides they are so despondent that they need end their life and then takes the time to do something so poetic as to hang themselves off of the Hollywood sign??  No one will ever know what went through her young mind that day but seriously, she is as famous as she wanted to be for it but not around to enjoy it.

Frances Farmer was an actress who spent a majority of her life in and out hospitals because of various psychiatric problems.  Tamblyn writes of her:

“Frances opened her mouth to answer

A bug crawled out, fell to the ground

And burrowed right back into a hole in her foot.”

I felt like I, myself had some sort of mental issues when I was reading about someone with mental issues.  I liked that.  I don’t know why.  This was my favorite poem in the book.

Anyway, I’m not going to pretend I knew every name when going though the poems of this book.  I had my computer with me so I could google names I didn’t know and google the stories of those I did.  It took me back to my college days when I was getting my English degree.  A novel was never just a novel back then.  And this is not just a book of poems.  It’s a collection of tragedy.  And I still don’t know if it made me depressed or ready to change my life.  Either way it’s totally worth a read.